When I think of parks I think of the hot glaring sun, never-ending hills of green grass, the aroma of pine tree, melodious bird chirping & droplets of lake water lightly touching your face. That's pretty much what the shorline park feels & looks like. I'll admit, it does sound like a kid's fairytale or something, but to me it's so much more than that. The "shoreline", as our neighborhood calls it, is a really tiny park a few blocks down from my house. Whenever I feel upset about something or just need some time to think, this is the place I go to cool off & have fun with Mother Nature.
The walk to the shoreline is quite the work-out. Before entering the park, there's a long winding road that goes in all different directions. It goes left, right, uphill, downhill, add in some twists & turns & you're at the shoreline before you know it. But the trip to the park is already so peaceful because of the tall towering trees situated right next to the sidewalks. There are lanes of gray & beige houses behind the green trees that seem like they could go on forever. Neighbors & other people you've never seen in your life pass by you walking their dogs or taking a quick jog while listening to their iPod. Just like life, the trip to the park is a long journey before reaching to the "promise land".
Shoreline park's big brown shrubs, filthy lake filled with plastic bags & soda cups, big gray gazebos covered in graffiti markings & Sharpie writing, & stray mongoose racing around make the shoreline stand out from any other park. It is filled with beautiful trees & blossoming flowers, but it isn't a perfect world, so there is no perfect park. When I hang around the shoreline, I sit along the edge of the gazebo that faces the lake & I dangle my feet back and forth. I get a whif of ocean mist with a hint of wet moss. This is when I feel most comfortable & safe.
After a few more thoughts & dangling, I have to head on home & face the issue. When I step foot out of shoreline park, its as if a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders & I can easily take on the world.
I find it really important to feel confident when I have problems I'm dealing with. Shoreline helps me do just that. It may not sound as appealing as I say it is, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The park just has a way of making me feel "at home" & "protected from harm". Life really isn't all that easy, & the shoreline park makes it slightly easier.
Janelle,
ReplyDeleteyour "special" place is so relaxing. Your details have the right amount explanation. Its almost like i can smell the pine trees, and hear Mother Nature calling like you said. It's like Im at your special place and I can see why you chose this place. I recommend that you should add in sentence or two how this can help you to overcome your stress or problems when your at the park. But your sensory details brightens up my imagination. (:
Janelle. Your favorite place sounds so soothing.It's like i'm actually there. The details are very good.
ReplyDeleteI like how you use shoreline park as a way of calming yourself. that was a good way of showing your experiences.
i think you could add more details about how you calm yourslef down instead of saying "I find it really important to feel confident when I have problems I'm dealing with. Shoreline helps me do just that. It may not sound as appealing as I say it is, but I wouldn't have it any other way."
overall the essay was well done.
Hi Janelle,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your teammates that this sounds like a very peaceful place. I also agree with them that more details to show and not tell about how the park calms you would be good.
The walk to the park is described well and illustrates the effort that it takes to get there. I would leave out the explanation part though...show, not tell.
For your revision, I would also recommend looking carefully at the details and trying for a more unified impression. I realize that you're building a contrast between the park's imperfections and your enjoyment of it, but the shift from an almost "mainland" scene (pine trees, bird sounds, lake) to the reality of the filthy lake, graffiti covered gazebos, and trash is too abrupt.
If one is supposed to represent the "stereotype" of a shoreline park and the other the reality that still is a comforting place to you, it needs to be clearer.
I actually like the details about the "reality" because they sound authentic. The pine smell and other details don't sound as authentic.
Let me know if you have questions about this distinction.
Comment on mechanics: avoid using second person "you." Instead, keep to the first person "I" consistently.
Your essay has a lot of potential and I look foward to seeing the revision!
mrs s